Cookies, pain and darkness..

Lost, I am lonely, my head is filled with rolling fog,
The colours are faded, the green-grey blurs,monotonous pictures,
The hunger grows, the sadness expands, the dry feeling rips and tears,
The thoughts tumble, run, try to break free.

The book is there and now open, the recipe is cast in bright relief,
The boredom and hunger overcomes the pain I know will come of it.
I take it, I make them, I bake them and let them drag me into darkness,
The cookies that cause me shame and pain.

I do it, I need it, I am a self-harmer, a masochist, I must!
I mash the butter and like the thoughts in my head it swirls around,
I cream the sugar and like the night that moves around me it churns together,
I break the eggs breaking like my heart breaks, releasing my feelings, to land unnoticed.

I add the flour, like the dreams of light, happy days, floating through time,
And stir the mix, I stir through the pain, stir through the hurt, stir in the guilt,
My hand throbs, my heart breaks, the tears come, this sad body shudders,
But I must press on to finish it, I must break free from the compulsion.

The chocolate is last thing to add, the last sweetness, the last temptation,
The forbidden fruit that drowns me in the rich dark dreams of the godly sleeper,
I stir you in, I mix you up, no prejudice, no race, no thoughts,
The mix is thick as my pain, as sticky as my problems,
As sweet as a smile, as light and dark as the problems that face me.  

But I am left alone, in this moonlit night, left in silence,
I am left in pain, under these golden stars that are clouding over,
I am left with the hurt and the guilt here, as one by one they disappear,
The Cookies, Pain and Darkness...