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I turned you into whispers.. by *Wombat-Pentagram:iconWombat-Pentagram:



I used to follow you around,
I was your shadow on sunny days, your stray moonbeam at night,
You never seemed to notice me among brighter lights,
You used to ignore me and pretended not to care.

I used to think you were beautiful beyond compare,
And I couldn't help myself, I would just stare and stare.
You used to drive away from me, and leave me cold,
Standing there alone on your corner on rainy days.

I used to go through your trash, in order to treasure you,
I took it home in order to feel closer to you.
You thought I was dirty and poor and you pitied me,
You gave me coins one day and told me now I could catch a bus away.

I never spent that money, I threw it away with you,
I put it in the river along with your body, It looks prettier underwater,
You talked and begged me though, when I took you in your car,
You wanted to drive very fast but I kept making you take your time.

That's all i really wanted from you really, was time, was talk
Was for you to acknowledge that I existed,
You never did that did you? Never opened up to me..
Well at least you didn't before I opened you up myself.
©2009-2010 *Wombat-Pentagram
:iconwombat-pentagram:

Author's Comments

Ok.. this poem is strange and weird and it doesn't relate to anything about me or anything that i would do.. it came from random inspiration derived from 2 songs.. old pictures by something for kate and Little water song by Ute Lemper. I hope it expressed the psychopath idea well enough..i dont know how well of a job i did.. i may edit it again later.. would very much appreciate constructive criticism..

Critiques


:iconopheliawhispers:
This is an interesting poem. It reminds me of a good old Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds "Murder Ballad". I do like how you transition fairly smoothly from:

"I was your shadow on sunny days, your stray moonbeam at night"

And within the next stanza:

"I used to think you were beautiful beyond compare,
And I couldn't help myself (insert a comma here please)I would just stare and stare.
You used to drive away from me, and leave me cold,
Standing (insert word "there") alone on your corner on rainy days."

the whole thing became very easy to relate to (which by the next stanza, it makes a person feel cold because you wrapped them into the story so nicely).

The third stanza is when we start to see the beginning to the end, though I didn't even foresee how far this character would go.

The fourth and fifth stanzas twist the story as the character's mind must twist. I love the last few lines, excellent!

The whole poem to me flowed nicely, it told a horrifying story, where in the beginning the reader is sucked in, and by the end they are wishing they hadn't been, again excellent! I have faved his wonderful poem!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

Thank you for your Critique

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Comments


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:iconcaroncecilia:
love the last line....hehehe....

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~Those talked over oft times make the best writers.
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yeah, I'm one of those "I really like this, good job!" critics. So sue me...
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I support: =DailyLitDeviations *100ThemesChallenge ~Prompt-A-Day ~CollabLit
:iconwombat-pentagram:
thanks :)

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"to dream perchance to wake anew"...
:iconmclaire1919:
phewwwwwwiiiieeee....you CAN get scarey, Man! From ardent admirer from a distance, to obvious stalker, to psychopathic murderer..........and so very well done. Smooth flow to the transitions, a building up of apprehensiveness, just knowing it's going to end badly....Then wham..the last line is priceless!! :D Still not sure whether to say "Oh, shit!" or laugh, at the irony of the :

<<< You never did that did you? Never opened up to me..
Well at least you didn't before I opened you up myself. >>>

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"Love transcends both time & lifetimes"
:iconwombat-pentagram:
well thanks :) hehehe.. i know what you mean.. i am glad it hit you that way..

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"to dream perchance to wake anew"...
:iconxstephmariex:
I like the build up of it all.

Oh.. and ~makes mental note to never piss off Wombat-Pentagram~ :D
:iconwombat-pentagram:
hahahaha.. thanks dear.. and thanks for the favourite as well :)

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"to dream perchance to wake anew"...
:iconmclaire1919:
you're welcome :) :heart:

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"Love transcends both time & lifetimes"
:iconvetchvespers:
Oooh yeah....pretty creepy. You do a great job of going from nice, normal lovelorn to creepy stalker dude of doom. The only think I might possibly change is "I took you that time in your car" to "I took you in your car," because "that time" makes me think this was one of MANY car rides, and the line also sounds a little awkward to me.
But either way, the poems totally awesome. :clap:

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-Quod me nutrit me destruit-
:iconwombat-pentagram:
mmm i might change it thanks for the suggestion :)

--
"to dream perchance to wake anew"...

Details

May 17, 2009
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