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literature
I want..
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Literature Text
I want you to pick me apart,
so that you can find the love buried in me,
to know that this heart had your name tattooed on it.
I want you to slip into dreams,
so that for once I can put you on the pedestal you deserve,
and let you be the ruling power.
I want you to close my eyes,
so that I can remember the perfect moments we shared,
with so much clarity and vision.
I want you to linger with shallow pleasures,
loosing themselves like butter upon your tongue,
souvenirs of better times, of rich love.
I want to wake up and find you,
enclosed in my arms, lost in this world of shadowed light,
and linger for a moment while I stare at how perfectly our bodies align.
I want above all else one thing,
the thing the gods deem more powerful then stars,
I want your love.
so that you can find the love buried in me,
to know that this heart had your name tattooed on it.
I want you to slip into dreams,
so that for once I can put you on the pedestal you deserve,
and let you be the ruling power.
I want you to close my eyes,
so that I can remember the perfect moments we shared,
with so much clarity and vision.
I want you to linger with shallow pleasures,
loosing themselves like butter upon your tongue,
souvenirs of better times, of rich love.
I want to wake up and find you,
enclosed in my arms, lost in this world of shadowed light,
and linger for a moment while I stare at how perfectly our bodies align.
I want above all else one thing,
the thing the gods deem more powerful then stars,
I want your love.
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Ok yeah.. another lovey dovey mooshy poem.. forgive me..
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Comments23
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactOne: Punctuation is a little choppy. Third line, first stanza has an unnecessary comma slicing the line in two. Poetry should be buttery and smooth, unless there is a reason for causing the reader to pause. Stanza 1 Line 3 presents no reason.
Two: The images are lackluster; nothing that hasn't been seen before. Now, granted, it is very difficult to create something that literally is brand-spanking-new, but in the world of love poetry, the images you present are old ground. Love is the highest of human emotions. Rotten images need to be replaced by crispiness.
Three: The 'I want you to...' is somewhat wordy and monotonous. For one, repetition of the personal pronoun 'I' creates the danger of making the poem seem arrogant, or egotistical. In this particular poem, it's not terrible, but it is somethin gto keep in mind. The phrase itself is, however, clunky. Consider utilizing the power and efficiency of the imperative sentence: '<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title="Wink/Razz" />ick me apart / Slip into dreams / Close my eyes / Linger with shallow pleasures' etc etcPoems like these need to be powerful and dynamic. Fewer words and crisper images would enable that.